Intimacy After Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Many women find that breast cancer diagnosis and treatment seriously disrupt their sexual lives. First there are the most obvious issues—the physical changes, exhaustion, nausea and pain from treatment, self-image, empty energy reserves, and the emotional chaos from the diagnosis itself. But there are also many other issues that women and their partners may not even know they'll have to face.

Yet retaining intimacy in your relationship both during and after your breast cancer ordeal is critical to your overall recovery. And single women who want to become part of a relationship worry how breast cancer will affect their prospects, about how and when to tell those prospective lovers about their condition.


What do partners of breast cancer patients care most about? In spite of what you may imagine or fear, studies show that the answer is simply this: Their loved one is alive and feeling well. The loss or alteration of a breast is almost meaningless in contrast. "I don't care what they take from you as long as I can see your face" is a common sentiment. Most caring partners (both men and women) see their lovers as having many parts to love, and as being more than the sum of those parts.

Nobody is promising there won't be ups and downs. While you're worrying about feeling less attractive, your partner is also dealing with worry, anxiety, and maybe even guilt, wondering: "Could I have been responsible? Could I in some way have contributed to the cancer?  Will I become radioactive if I touch her, if I touch her breast? Is her cancer contagious?" And (perhaps feeling guilty), "When will I be able to worry about myself for a change?"

It may be hard for you figure out your needs and concerns, let alone tell them to your partner. You don't want to make light of what your partner has already done for you, so phrase your requests as carefully and positively as possible: "You've been working so hard, doing so much—and it's made a huge difference. But what I really need right now is to be close to you and tell you what's making me nervous and anxious. I need you to listen, and maybe just hold me."

Adapted in part from Living Beyond Breast Cancer by Marisa Weiss, M.D. and Ellen Weiss